I was walking in the fields with the dogs and I was overwhelmed with grief for my darling departed mum.
I felt flooded. I felt swamped. I felt my heart pounding, breaking all over again. I felt weak and those enormous fat tears fell down my face.
I felt devoid of breath. Of energy. Of anything.
I was beside myself with grief. Maybe literally?
It was almost like an out of body experience, as I started to watch my thoughts. I consciously became the Watcher. WTF was going on?
I looked down on this isolated little figure, enveloped with grief. Arms wrapped around her own body, trying to find some comfort. Broken hearted.
My mind jumped to an oh so similar situation. (Don’t you just love the brain, (aka Eric- drat him) always finding more evidence, to catagorically prove the shit you are already feeling, must be true?!)
As a little 11 year year old girl this time, not a 54 year old woman, when I was told that my pony wasn’t moving with us.
I thought my world had ended!
I can still see the little Marianne, all those years ago, standing out in the field, beside herself with grief. Arms this time, wrapped wrapped around her chestnut pony’s neck.
The tears, the pain, the helplessness of it all and oh shit, the snot! Where does it all come from?
What is extraordinary with my journey of self discovery, coaching and mindset work is that I can now detach a little and become The Watcher.
I can also see that my thoughts that I have about my past, create the pain now.
The past is gone.
Whether it be my darling Mum, Dad, my pony Brilley, or what ever the circumstance was, it is 100% my thoughts now about the past, that create the pain today.
Thats mind-blowing to know, because we can consciously step back and watch to see which thoughts are creating the havoc now.
The more confidence I have with the efficacy of my thought work, the easier to understand this becomes.
The more Self-Confident I become to realise I am willing to feel any emotion.
It doesn’t remove the pain, but it makes it manageable and understandable. I can see that it is part of life . I can also see that my thoughts are creating this emotional turmoil.
Is that wrong?
No, it is part of being a human.
It is what humans beings do.
If we can accept the notion that life is spent feeling 50% good bordering on chuffing brilliant and 50% feeling like ass, then it all just becomes…
So much easier.
So much less judgemental.
Nothing is going wrong.
I love this 50:50 concept.
I find it freeing.
I find it liberating.
I believe in me
I believe in you
I have huge gratitude for all I do have.
What do you think? I would love to know.
PS The photo is of me and my pony Brilley. We were both so tiny when this was taken!